dasani water is love
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[18 Oct 2007|12:26pm]
visiting home yesterday was once again, shitty.
apparently my moms side of the family all thinks im anorexic and talks about it behind my back.
my dads girlfriend told me i cant lose anymore weight or she will put me in a hospital
my sister said she doesnt think i have an eating disorder because she sees me eat all the time, but my weight is borderline of making her think that.

hearing all of that, although it should make me feel good in a sick way, really does not. it doesnt because IM NOT SEEING WHAT THEY ARE. anorexic-looking? no. emaciated? fuck no. too thin? no way. i dont know what the hell theyre talking about and it makes me want to scream at them all. im still fat enough that i can comfortably DENY having an eating disorder of any sort still. i can and they should all believe me. i will never tell them about my eating disorder, ever. i only want to tell one person, and i already fucked that up by denying it to him yesterday as well. MY LIFE IS A LIIIIE.

yesterday i ate horribly just to prove to everyone that i dont have a problem. i ate well before i left my apartment, but when i got home i had 1/4 a brownie and a burger and fries for dinner. i came home and ate 130 cals and 180 cals. total for yesterday was about 1100-1300 calories.

lunch=chicken salad:300 cals
2 - read|cmt

[09 Oct 2007|10:53pm]
+100 cals.

[07 Oct 2007|10:31pm]
im about to eat another 50 calories. :/
total for today: 500

[07 Oct 2007|05:20pm]
snack: rice cake
dinner: bowl of soup & a couple crispy thingies.
total so far: 375

i have 25 calories left, technically. lets see how i do... its only 5:30 and im probably going to be up for another 6 or 7 hours :/

i'll prooooobably have a jello cup with whipped cream around 9.

[05 Oct 2007|12:44pm]
i ended up eating atleast 1,000 calories last night.
my new friend steve came over.

i cannot control my impulses. we had sex, lots of sex. i cant help it. hes being the ultimate warrior for halloween so hes getting jacked and it looks so marvelous. we were standing in the mirror, and he kept just saying how tiny i am. i loved it. "youre sooo little" "i could fit you inside of me!" and then he kept lifting me up like a baby, like under my armpits. i love that shit. i feel so good when people say im thin.

im eating hot and sour soup for lunch... probably about 150 cals. googled, and found that its 50 calories per cup. i had about 1 1/2 cups, im going to say its 115 cals just to be on the safe side. im increasing my dosage of diet pills to the full dosage today as well.

[04 Oct 2007|12:16pm]
i have no idea how many calories i just ate:
2 mushrooms
8 green beans
2 pieces of boneless spare ribs
about 1 c. broccoli and chicken
and 1/4 c. pepper chicken
from the buffet. im going to assume that was around.... 400 calories.

ive decided im going to up my intake for a few days to 1,000. i dont really know what else to do. ive gained weight restricting, maybe i'll lose eating a little more? sounds crazy but sometimes it works right.

for dinner, im going to have hot and sour soup.

[02 Oct 2007|09:56pm]
my total thus far tonight is: 550.
i will probably eat a bowl of cereal later because i feel like it.
or maybe a 100 calorie carrot cake thingy. god i love carrot cake.

//edit: i made eggdrop soup. 45 cals. im just going to round it up for the sake of doing so, and say my total for today was 600.

[02 Oct 2007|11:27am]
breakfast=95 cals
(3 med. egg whites, a little shredded cheese, a little milk, and 1/4 c. spinach)
wayyy too much spinach. i like spinach, but its all i can taste. i think id like to use half next time, and maybe add some mushrooms.

[06 Jul 2007|06:45pm]
i idolize hilary duff and nicole richie.
they are both so beautiful, i want to look just as beautiful as them one day...
i have TONS of their pictures saved to my computer, and i look at them when i get ready in the morning.

(if my friends knew, they would probably think im wierd.)
5 - read|cmt

[20 Aug 2006|09:49pm]
im going to try not to use this journal anymore.
im starting my senior year, i want to be happy with myself.
i feel like this journal is keeping me from being happy, along with many other things... but this is something i can detach myself from rather easily.

thank you everyone whos supported me throughout the years via livejournal. i've build up a lot of walls, and trapped myself in a lot of bad places because of my insecurities, and i feel like im ready to free myself from them. who knows i could be back... but for now, i want to start my senior year fresh, and use this year to build my self esteem and surround myself with real friends who will keep me positive, instead of living through the computer and keeping isolated and depressed.
3 - read|cmt

[18 Jun 2006|12:49pm]
breakfast=0 cals

last night i ended up eating around 450 cals for dinner :/

[11 Apr 2005|06:48pm]
locked. comment to be added.
49 - read|cmt

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